And after a year of nursing, walking, cuddling and rocking down – taking up to three hours – I reluctantly decided it was time to let her cry to sleep. So far, the most heart-wrenching decision I’ve made as a parent. I mean, look at her.

My little peanut. But my no-cry method resulted in bedtimes around 9:30-10. And mornings around 5. She wasn’t getting enough sleep. And I wasn’t getting enough time with Kieran at night. This of course made me feel guilty.

Is this about me? I should put her needs first. I’m her mother. I shouldn’t let her cry. What if I’m inflicting lasting psychological damage on my little darling? I’m supposed to comfort her. I can comfort her. Why shouldn’t I? I should. And so it went.

Then we’d go another late night. Another early morning. Not enough sleep for anyone.

I talked with friends. Family. Random mums + dads in the park. Everyone I spoke to who did let their babe cry, did so for about a week, maybe two and then their babies could put themselves to sleep.

Be warned: The first few nights are torture.

Monday: Nadia cried for an hour and 20 minutes before I broke and had Kieran go to her. Tuesday: I nursed her down and thanked the sleep gods for making it easy on me. Wednesday: Nursed down. Thank you. Thursday: We tried again. Nursing didn’t do it. An hour and 15 minutes of sobs. I left the house to go grocery shopping.

Friday: Her nap the next afternoon, an hour and 15 minutes. Luckily my friend (mum of three) was there to keep me strong and distract me from my thoughts of: I’m a terrible mum. I’m a terrible mum. What am I DOING!?!

Saturday: 10 minutes. WHAT?!? The following night – 2 min. SERIOUSLY!?!

It’s been a week and she now soothes herself to sleep. She hums – which is actually something she used to do when she was around four months old, but had stopped doing. She also sometimes sings and babbles to herself.

I am SO happy I did this. I had a really hard time with it at first because I partly felt I was doing it for me. Truth is. I do win in this. But so does Nadia. I want her to be able to fall asleep easily – now as a child and later in life too. It’s a skill we all learn or don’t. I’m glad she is.

The gist: Providing constant attention to someone else’s needs -even when they’re cute and covered in chocolate – before one’s own is tiring. Deserving of margaritas and foot rubs. Daily!

They’ve got suggestions on a ton of things – from how to clean little Legos to how to use crib parts to create a garden trellis, baby proof a wood burning stove or build a quilt rack. What I like most is that other parents chime in with their ideas and solutions. And people are incredibly creative.

I’m heading back to the site now to look for how to clean up after pink eye. Ugh. I’m nervous about throwing soft blocks and dolls into the washer…but better that then pink eye sticking around.

Kids really are little germ magnets. I wonder if there’s some kind of bubble suit I can dress Nadia in.

If you’re a new mum you will at some point experience sleep deprivation. (New dads may too, sometimes as collateral damage and sometimes because they’re the primary care giver.)

And this sleep deprivation is not the kind you experienced in college pulling all-nighters studying then partying because the studying’s done. The kind of sleep deprivation you’ll experience (or are experiencing) is more sustained. It’s hard core. Serious sleep deprivation. The kind that can make you think you’re going crazy. (And you might be…but you’re not alone.)

So here’s what I’m doing to remain (somewhat) sane: 

• Instead of seeing my time breaking into days and nights, I’m looking at time in a new way….I now have 24 hours.

Within this timeframe I want to achieve a few basic tasks:

1. Sleep eight hours
2. Shower (optional)
3. Eat at least three meals (though for me, likely more)
4. Get out for a walk
5. Spend at least an hour on something that’s totally for me

The eight hours of sleep don’t have to be consecutive (though if they are, that’s really nice), eating doesn’t have to be gourmet or even sit down (but it does have to be delicious and mostly nutritious), the walk doesn’t have to be long, and the hour for me comes when my husband’s home or if I can arrange some childcare through a friend or another doula. Of course within these 24 hours I also take care of my daughter. 

It’s really just a change in the way I look at my time. But I find it helps if I set my expectations this way….that it’s unlikely I’ll accomplish the same amount or kinds of things I did before I was uniquely responsible for another living being. Being a mum is a monumental thing. And just because it’s done by millions of women around the world, doesn’t make what we do any less extraordinary. 

I still can and do get a lot done. But it’s different. I’m not totally in control of my schedule. And becoming ok with this (especially when I’m so tired), is for me most of the battle.

No matter how much you’ve read, how trained you are to deal with it – when your little baby gets her first fever, it’s frightening. 

It happened to us this weekend. She was fine before bedtime, then all of a sudden she was incredibly hot. I was worried, so I had her in bed with us. She woke for her night feed, then right after she was done, she had a seizure – called a febrile convulsion. I was terrified. She was twitching, went unconscious and turned blue around the lips.

My immediate reaction was to get to the hospital. We bundled up and took off. On the way there I tried to get in touch with our doctor. No luck. So (apologetically) we rang our midwife. I talked to her while we sat parked outside the ER. 

The dilemma was this: We decided to go with a delayed immunization schedule, so Nadia hasn’t had any vaccines yet (she starts at her six month appointment). So I worried about going into the hospital unless of course we needed to – which is what we were trying to figure out. 

• I know about 20% of all ER visits are baby’s with fevers.
• I know fevers often accompany teething (which I believe is starting with Nadia due to her increased drooling and gumming of all things).
• I know baby’s have fevers, and so long as they remain low grade fevers, they help build their immune systems. 
• I know this. 

But I was scared. 

In the end we went to the drugstore, got some baby Tylenol and went back home to break the fever with a lukewarm bath, sponge baths, nursing and watching her carefully. None of us got much sleep. But after about 36 hours, the fevers subsided and now she’s fine. 

I spoke with our doctor and she felt we did the right things. (We kept track of her fevers, when she ate, when she vomited, her pees/poops, her skin tone and told everything to our doc.) From our reports our doctor comforted us by saying Nadia’s episode didn’t sound at all like any of the illnesses that we would have vaccinated her against if we had followed the typical immunization schedule. 

But it was scary. And it did throw into question our decisions as parents.

Now that it’s over, I do feel much better equipped to deal with the next time. And of course, there will be a next time. 

What I’d suggest for all first time parents is this: In one of your early well-baby exams, ask  your doctor about some of the “firsts” you will experience. Of course it’s always good to call your doctor when they happen, but it helps to know what you might expect. 

And know, you will likely be scared too. They’re our babies.

I’ve also been on the search for a bubble wand for the baby shampoo I use, so that we can blow bubbles in the bath. Here’s what I’ve found so far…but I’d like to find a non-plastic solution. I’ll keep hunting and if you know of one, please share.