It’s nearly midnight. I hear: Mummy, come snuggle me.
I should say (from my own bed with no intention of getting out): No. Go to bed. I love you. We’ll snuggle in the morning.
Instead I say: It’s late honey, go to bed. As I walk towards my two-year-old darling who melts my heart, then snuggle in for the three hours it takes to coax her to sleep.
I’m weak. I know it. I’m not proud. It’s hard to say no. The kicker is this: I thought I’d be a hard-ass mum. Turns out, I’m not. My m.o. is, “sure”.
I justify it like this: If I put my foot down on every issue my day would be a marathon of mini fights that start the second my daughter’s cute little feet pad into my room, before my head lifts from my pillow. And so I give.
Do I really care if her pants match her shirt? No. Does it matter if she eats yogurt or cereal? No. Library or park? I say: Toddler’s choice. And so it goes. Am I too permissive? Maybe. There is one area in particular where giving in has been and continues to be a problem — for me and my daughter. Bedtime. She is nearly three and we still don’t enjoy consistently uninterrupted nights.
I waited until she was a year-old before I let her cry it out (she was still waking every couple of hours to be nursed – and yes, I fed her). Hearing her cry felt like someone was physically wringing my heart. My friend (and mother of three fabulous girls) came over to hold me down so I wouldn’t run to comfort my crying daughter. At this point, I felt letting her sort herself out was the only way for either of us to get the sleep we needed. And even though I felt it was the right decision, it was excruciating for me to bear. But I did. Without saying the words, I was saying “no”. No to giving in to what placated both of us in a sense, and yes to what made sense for our family.
Our generation of moms is given a hard time about being too permissive. The criticism is often warranted. But here’s the thing: Saying “yes” isn’t always easy. And saying “no” isn’t always right. The sweet spot is in figuring out which answer, when, then sticking with it. Have I nailed this? Well that’s easy: No!
